Wednesday, November 27, 2002

10 ways for an Asian American man to get with a white woman.

By David Lee
Rotten Bananas Staff

Can an Asian man get with a white girl? Highly unlikely. Why is that, you ask? Several reasons. The Asian male is known as being “short in every which way.” Are we short? Until we do comparative studies of Asian American male height and length versus white American male height and length, the question will remain unanswered for us. But for females of all races and the white American male, the question has already been answered. Asian guys are puny little runts, and it’s not just a stereotype because stereotypes exist out of truth. Well, what else prevents us from getting with white girls? Because we are unattractive. An attractive male has to subscribe to white masculinity, which means big, tough, assertive, dominating, and intriguing. There are Asian guys who are all these things, but it’s easier to ignore those people and focus on the short nerdy Asian types. Why else can’t we get white women? Because we are the perpetual foreigner. We look different because of our yellow skin and slanty eyes, and while this works to improve the attractiveness and exoticism of our Asian sisters, it only serves to make us uglier. So how can we become more attractive? Well, here are some suggestions:

1) Read magazines to figure out what a real man should be like
2) Drive a really nice and fast car
3) Own a big lavish house with six bedrooms and a jacuzzi
4) Analyze a white guy and act exactly like him
5) Buy a whiny white alternative rock band CD and listen to it on repeat
6) Go to the mall and buy some fashionable garb from AF, A&E, J. Crew, etc.
7) Hang out at Coffee Bean or Starbucks all day instead of going to work
8) Cruise around in your nice car until you find one on the street corner
9) Pretend to play the guitar while acting cool and mysterious
10) Learn how to surf, skateboard, and snowboard.

With these suggestions, you should be well on your way to scoring with the white girls. Just kidding, you’re just going to be a big chump. What you could do is just accept yourself, acknowledge the stereotypes that exist, but not feel like you have to be a representative of the Asian American male race. If you have a small penis, you have a small penis. That doesn’t mean all Asian American males have small penises. If you are short, you are short. Girls can like you even if you’re short. If you are ugly as hell, you are ugly as hell. Those young beautiful people surrounding you won’t look that great forever. We have the choice of challenging the preconceptions that other people have towards us, trying to go out and represent our entire race, or just realize who we are as individuals, and that stereotypes do not make up who we are.

What I’m saying is this: we can’t do anything to change the opinions of others. There are always going to be people who criticize you, no matter who you are and what you do. You should not make excuses for being who you are, and you should not let other people define who you want to be. If you choose to be whoever the hell you want to be, then maybe one day a girl, white, Asian, or whatever, will take the time to really look at you and see a person instead of a stereotype.